This post is for: SME owners, managers and team leaders who avoid “the chat”. You’ll leave with a simple structure and example phrases you can actually say. This post is NOT: a script for formal processes. If you’re already in a grievance/capability situation, get advice.

This is about everyday difficult conversations – behaviour, performance, tension and boundaries – not legal situations.

If you want something more specific

Performance drifting: A Practical Performance Management Process for Small Businesses

Culture being shaped by what isn’t addressed: Culture Is Set in the Moments Leaders Don’t Address

New managers struggling with confidence: Why New Managers Struggle in Growing UK Businesses

Most difficult conversations aren’t difficult because the topic is complicated. They’re difficult because of what we think will happen:

• they’ll get upset

• they’ll get defensive

• it’ll damage the relationship

• we’ll make it worse

• we’ll say it wrong

So we delay. We hint. We hope it resolves itself. And then it gets harder.

The goal isn’t to be “good at confrontation”. The goal is to be clear, fair and supportive – as early as possible.

A quick truth: most people cope better with a clear message than with weeks of tension and uncertainty. The conversation you’re avoiding is often the conversation the other person is quietly waiting for.

In this post, we’re going to give you a structure you can reuse, plus wording that doesn’t make you cringe. It’s designed for real-life SMEs: busy, stretched and trying to do the right thing when they can clearly point to actions or behaviours that don’t meet expectations.

What makes a conversation feel difficult (and how to reduce it)

Difficult conversations usually feel hard for one of three reasons.

1) You’re not clear on the outcome

If you don’t know what you want to change, you’ll waffle. You’ll circle. Or you’ll soften it so much the message disappears.

Before you speak, be honest: what are you trying to achieve?

• a reset of expectations?

• a behaviour change?

• a decision about boundaries?

• a plan to improve performance?

You don’t need a perfectly written objective. You just need a clear outcome that you can state plainly, with no ambiguity.

2) You’re carrying too much emotion into it

That doesn’t mean emotions are wrong. But what will make the conversation go better is if you anchor it in facts and impact.

If you go in annoyed, resentful or wound up, the other person will respond to the emotion rather than the message. If you go in shaky, over-apologising and over-explaining you’ll often lose clarity.

A simple rule: feel the feelings privately. Then take a calm, factual tone into the room.

3) You’re trying to protect them from discomfort

This is well-meaning but discomfort is often part of learning. Protecting people from clarity tends to create bigger discomfort later (and it prevents them from growing in their role).

A useful mindset shift is: you’re not going in to “win” whilst they “lose”. You’re going in to reset the standard with the aim of achieving a “win-win” situation. That should help you keep the tone calm and stop it turning into a debate.

A clear and kind structure that works (most of the time)

Here’s a structure that works for most everyday situations.

1) What I’ve noticed

Keep it observable. What happened? What did you see or hear? What changed?

Avoid labels like “lazy” or “rude”. Stick to objective facts and descriptions of what was witnessed, with no assumptions about their intention.

2) The impact

This might be time lost (rework, chasing), team friction, poor client experience, missed deadlines, uneven workload or a knock to trust and fairness.

3) The expectation

Say what “good” is in this situation. Be specific. “Be more proactive” is not specific.

“Send your update by 3pm on Thursday, including X and Y” is specific.

4) Support

The support you provide can come in many forms. It can be clearer priorities, coaching, training, time, scheduled check-ins or a chance to ask questions for example. Support is not “rescuing”. It’s about removing avoidable barriers so they can meet the standard.

5) Next step and timescale

People feel safer when they know what happens next. Set a review point. Keep it light, but real.

Overall, keep it short and keep it supportive. One strong example beats a long list of every incident or mistake.

Example phrases you can actually use

Use these as a starting point and adapt them so they sound like you.

Opening:

• “I want to talk about something I’ve noticed, because it matters.”

• “Can we have a quick conversation about X?”

• “I’m going to be direct, because it’s easier to fix now than later.”

Facts:

• “Here’s what I’m seeing…”

• “When X happens, I’ve observed…”

Impact:

• “The impact is…”

• “What this causes is…”

Expectation:

• “What I need going forward is…”

• “I need to see more of/less of…”

Support:

• “What would help you meet that need?”

• “Is there something getting in the way that I should know about?”

Next step:

• “Let’s review this on [date].”

• “If it happens again, we’ll need to move this forward more formally.”

If you’re prone to over-talking (many leaders are), write your opening line down before the conversation. It stops you circling round the issue.

What if they get upset?

You can be kind without backing away.

• “I can see this is upsetting. Let’s take a breath.”

• “I’m not saying you’re not capable of this. I am saying this needs to change.”

• “Would you like a few minutes or shall we carry on?”

Also, don’t rush to fill the silence. A pause gives them time to absorb it - and they’ll often fill the gap with something useful.

What if they get defensive?

Bring it back to facts and expectations.

• “I hear you. Let’s come back to what we need going forward.”

• “We can talk about context, but the expectation still stands.”

• “This isn’t a debate - it’s a reset.”

If they throw in a “what about them?” moment, park it:

• “We can talk about others separately. Right now, we’re focusing on this.”

If they argue the facts, don’t get pulled into a painstaking review of the situation. Stay grounded:

• “I’m telling you what I’ve observed.”

• “Even if you see it differently, this is the standard we need.”

After the chat: what to do next

This is the bit that stops a decent conversation turning into “but I didn’t know…” two months later.

You don’t need a long write-up. You need a short note that clearly captures the key points and protects everyone’s memory.

If the conversation was informal, a simple email or Teams message can be enough:

• “Thanks for the chat today. Here’s what we agreed…

A simple follow-up note template (copy and use):

• What we discussed: [one sentence]

• Example: [one specific example]

• Expectation going forward: [one sentence]

• Support agreed: [what you’ll do/what they’ll do]

• Review date: [date and what you’ll look for]

This isn’t bureaucracy. It’s fairness and transparency. It also makes follow-up conversations easier, because you’re not relying on memory.

The reusable tool: The 5-minute Conversation Prep

Before you speak, write:

1. The issue in one sentence

2. One example (not a history lesson)

3. The expectation in one sentence

4. The next step and review point

That’s your anchor. It stops you over-talking.

If it helps, imagine you’re writing a short, factual summary for someone else. That’s the tone you’re aiming for.

FAQ

What if I don’t have the “perfect wording”?

You don’t need perfect. You need it to be clear and respectful.

Should I do it in writing?

Start in person where you can. Follow up in writing if there are actions/agreements.

What if they deny it?

Stick to what you observed and the standard expected.

When does this become formal?

When it’s repeated, serious or not improving - and particularly if you’re moving towards warnings/dismissal - get advice.

What if the relationship is already strained?

That’s even more reason to be clear and calm. Avoiding it won’t repair the relationship - clarity often does though.

Disclaimer

This is general guidance. If you’re dealing with a live capability, conduct, grievance or dismissal situation, take advice on the specifics before taking action.